Being a parent is about prayer-saturated moments not born out of impeccable piety so much as desperation. I read about other parents and hear others talk about their parenting, and I feel like a colossal failure as a parent. But I am convinced of this truth: It's God's grace I must depend on. I can't do it. Period. I simply can't. This isn't an excuse to roll over and play dead but it's what makes it possible to keep going. He is at work here--I plead with Him to be.
Here's a very honest confession. I homeschooled this past year; we're just finishing it up. It's been an adventure and I've gotten to spend more time with my kids and have had some sweet moments with them but it's really been hard, really painful and less effective than I'd hoped. For a while I told myself it was like breast feeding, good for my kids and therefore worth it even though it's not so much fun. But then and I'm not generally a mystical sort of person at all it was like I heard God saying, "It's okay. Put them back in school next year. Your three year old needs more from you and they need to interact more with others and so do you." It's not that this path can't be a great one for those God guides into it but I do believe it isn't the only one. I believe God used it in our lives this past year and I believe He may have something else for us for this next. I'm thankful for the Lion who isn't tame, predictable, or easily put into a box and I'm grateful for His deigning to have anything to do with me, everything to do with me, for everything He has done and will do in my life and the lives of those He'd have me to touch or trip over with the broken mess that I am. Through the cracks of my life may He be seen, may my frailty make Him all the more visible.