Bitter, bitter, bitter cold, sometimes I feel like I won't survive it. How long does it take for blood to turn to ice? Everyone else's must have thickened to a point where it won't freeze and yet keeps flowing, while mine feels like it's slush, clogging up my veins, not moving around properly. Sometimes my heart seems cold as well. Help it to stay warm and tender, Lord. Thank you for my children, who remind me of my neediness and who help me to sympathize. May I help them do the same.

Given a unique beauty, made greater by accepting imperfection while striving to perfect, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Who we do it for is who sees us and who defines who we are ultimately, not who anyone else may wish we were, but who we are meant to be, neither in your face nor out of the way in our place but in the space He ordains. "Pray that we will love each other," Liam tells me. I pray that we might radiate Love and loveliness and Light.

This week the kids had ice skating lessons at school. One did better with peer pressure, one wouldn't listen to the instructor, and one was typically tentative. Also this week, my grade one little man ran headlong into a pole and got into a snow fight with a little girl, while my grade three big guy filched some crackers from a friend's lunch. And my three-year-old started her ballet class, which "isn't" a bit "hard" and gives her many occasions to "twirl." Then over the weekend, we visited with Aunt Rosalynn in Calgary just before she got back on the plane to go home to England. The crew all conspired to talk her ear off and vy for her attention with Mom and Dad just desperate for some sleep at the motel.
Little moments, little messes, big hopes and dreams, lots of aliveness. Grandpa gives us a camera as though there's some way of capturing it all and trying to make it slow down or even come to a stop. Only hold on and pray hard. Wanting them to grow and yet not wanting them to.

My dearly loved family, rough around the edges, Lici's dress askew, some smiles a bit forced but incredibly blessed and bathed with grace.

 Chucky Cheese is birthday party central.

 Lego robots for two

 So cool. Computers can do some awesome stuff. Really loving the science center. Too bad our membership
expires.

Sweet, sassy, and squashed at a great rec center play place.

Bender's Live Second greatly challenged me, particularly to be more actively organizing my time so that I'm more truly giving it to Jesus. I often make excuses, but "God is not at the mercy of our weakness," and "above all God wanted His people to walk humbly before Him." Bender doesn't mince words and doesn't belittle either the greatness of our sin and Christ's sacrifice nor the hardships we encounter when we surrender to living second. "God wants complete undivided love for Him." He wants us to love and sacrificially serve others. He wants us to share our faith.
The testimonies of others in this work are probably encouraging though I wasn't able to access them this time yet hope to in the future. The urging to tweet and share seems like it would help with accountability but could get one caught up in comparisons or greater subjectivity. I'm not completely sure why Bender urges targeting movers and shakers, so strategically trying to multiply greatly through the great. While I don't think we should overlook anyone in sharing our faith, I feel we should simply be faithful with those whose lives God opens to us whoever they are, often perhaps not so powerful people (though certainly not always). Then again, I struggle with sharing my faith, period, and am convicted to be more used by God in this way with whomever. I recevied an ebook copy of  Live Second for the purpose of review.

To have someone else take your pain away for you, even if it were truly possible, wouldn't be in your best interest. That pain has purpose. Nor do I want to be trying to take away others' pain. Lepers cannot feel pain and this disorderedness is part of what destroys them. Experiencing pain teaches you to value what is worthwhile, what is lasting, teaches you to be careful, to make wise decisions. I wish neither more pain nor less for myself and my family, just enough to press out dross until the process is complete.
And I pray for wisdom to know when to pursue something, even though it brings pain, when that pain is purposeful, and when to see that it isn't purposeful, isn't where I need to be. To neither thoughtlessly inflict pain on myself or others nor fly from all pain.
Once again, it's that endless quest for balance.
I'm thankful I'm not without guidance in it.

I want to put up pictures but my dropbox isn't connecting to my blog like it usually does. Must ask husband for help. He is the biggest hearted, sweetest man on the planet and will be happy to help me (hopefully he's reading this, but I'm really not trying to manipulate him as it's totally true that he is wonderfully kind and then some).
In many, many ways, I'm a mess. Techno ignoramus-ish, mopey, sloppy, preoccupied, lazy, selfish. And that's not particularly lovely, that mess. Yet I've such an abundance of blessings in my life, my fore-mentioned tender-lovin' husband, my smart, sassy, creative kids, a home that both physically and spiritually is a dear work in progress w/ an incompleted stairway and master bath room and hearts He's still workin' on. If you're reading this and you feel broken and unworthy, I think you're in a good place, and not just because that's also where I often am. I love the book of Ecclesiastes for when I'm down, as crazy as it sounds to turn to a depressing book when you're depressed. Life under the sun is lacking. Enjoy the good things but know they fall short of what is meant to be, what will be. Live for Him. Love Him. Love others. And don't beat yourself up when you don't present as well as you'd like. Pray that He'll be seen instead. In these broken lives, all kinds of ugliness hangs out, but God isn't done with us. Praise Him!!  

There's nothing quite like a three-year-old. Mine told me the other day that when she grows up she plans to name her little girl after me, "Mom." I finally broke down and told her I have another name and then tonight when we had over company for dinner, she all of a sudden decided to call me by it.
She's cute and exasperating at the same time. She wants to eat nothing but noodles, except for when she doesn't want to eat noodles, of course. She's loves ballerinas. She's crazy about Cinderella and she wants to marry a prince. I want her to fill her heart with Jesus. I recently gave the kids notes I wrote them. I wrote her that my prayer for her is that she trust Christ as her Savior and live for Him. She asked me if she could write God a letter and I suggested she pray to Him and then I helped her to do so. The thing is, I'm really not so sure she understands and am afraid she prayed just to please me. I still pray that she'll come to know God and see her need of Him. She is sweet and she is a joy but she's also a sinner in need of transformation. I've so much hope for her future. I love her more than I can describe, yet my love for her and my plans for her can't compare with God's, and I want to leave her in His hands.

We had a nice family Christmas with new dolls and remote control cars, gifts and phone calls from family far away, lots of cards. The kids' school program was folk songs, some with allusions to the biblical Christmas story. We had a meal and a short nativity play at church. The evening of Christmas Day we drove to Ernie's folks' and we spent a few days with them. Liam helped Grandpa make wooden bowls and he practiced and practiced with the wooden yoyo Grandpa made him. The girls had fun dressing up with neighbor kids.

When we returned, a man in our church who had been struggling with cancer for quite some time, passed away. So at the end of this week will be a funeral. Life is short. Please, God, help me use it well. As Lici writes and writes in her new diary, telling it everything, dear diary this, dear diary that, may I turn over all I do to You.